I always thought that sibling rivalry meant that older siblings become jealous over his new baby brother or sister by openly showing dislike towards the baby, fighting with the baby or pulling parents away from baby to get attention all to himself again.
But it isn't always like that. What commonly happens is something like in my 3.5 yrs old toddler's case...the first few days when we brought home baby#2 seemed uneventful. My toddler seemed to adore the baby a lot and was proud to now be appointed the all awesome title of "Ahia" or big brother.
After two weeks, the nightmare started. I guess A started to realize that the baby is not only a new playmate (whom he actually had limited access to for now)...but someone who needs constant care and who takes a lot of mommy's time away from him. It doesn't help that A is also having cough/colds that time so we try to keep him away from baby...and since I have to be with baby all the time the first few weeks to establish the breastfeeding process, he had to stay away from me too.
A began to act up more than usual. I mean, he usually has his normal toddler tantrums. But this time it was 10x a lot worse than usual. He would scream and cry about everything. Even something as little like picking out clothes, he'd scream at his yaya (nanny) and would throw stuff at her in frustration. We'd hear him screaming about something almost every hour every day. It was becoming exhausting. At first, I'd just get really angry at him and punish his bad behavior. But after a month or so of this, we realized that his mega tantrums were actually his way of showing his jealousy over the new baby.
He was directing his anger, sadness and frustration at us and not the new baby. (Which I guess is better than having him dislike his baby brother.)
He loves his baby brother very much and loves to constantly shower him with hugs and kisses. He even knows how to be gentle with him. That is why I never thought he was actually feeling resentful of the time we give to his baby brother. We actually took his feelings for granted. An article I read about
The New Baby in gentleparents.com was really helpful in opening my eyes to what a toddler feels when a new baby comes into their life. I wish I had been more sensitive to his feelings right from the beginning.
When we started to consciously give A more solo time, he began to change his attention-seeking bad behaviors instantly. He'd still get those super sensitive crying spells issues when he'd cry over little things and would now know how to pout when I am cranky and snap at him for being too "makulit". But he's become better behaved now (that baby is 8 months old) and has come a long way from the way he behaved the first few months. He still loves baby to bits and baby adores his big brother so much. No one can make baby readily laugh like his big brother can. And it's so cute how he looks at his brother with idolizing awe.
It's hard to balance time for both kids specially when I only have one yaya to help with both and breastfeeding baby makes me the primary caregiver to baby 2. But finding more time to give attention to the older toddler is essential to all our well-being. Turns out all he needed was the extra attention to reassure himself that we still love him even though there are times we may be busy with the baby's needs. It takes a lot of patience (which I sometimes lack) and time but what are parent's for anyway?
Now, we're trying to figure out how to make A stop babbling jibberish at times like he's imitating the baby. He growls and grunts sometimes now when he's in a bad mood and wants to be carried too when we go out (coz I always carry the baby with me on a sling). I guess this is what they call "reverting to babyhood" in older siblings. I guess am just glad he hasn't reverted back to pooping in his pants again like I've heard some kids do too.
